👧 Girl for a Day
"How's that?"
"What do you mean? Err... wait, you know nothing about elves, Sir Lichard?"
"I... I was in love with one... as a kid..."
"What?! You were once a super skinny baby panda?"
"Shut up! I looked nothing like... this. It was over 600 years ago, I was just an average normal village kid and I was in love with the local bathkeeper. He was the most beautiful creature I've ever seen and I'd stay on guard for hours just to get a glimpse of his godlike body..."
"Wow! Yeah, bathkeepers are awesome! Why wouldn't you give him a couple of coins, I bet you could really rub some soap into each other's hot bodies!"
"I was only seven years old, you freak! How much cash do you think I had? A can of worms stolen from my dad?"
"Graveworms?"
"Regular worms. He was a fisher, it was easier to get food where we lived than being a hunter. He wasn't a hunter but he did have the patience to figure out what his kid was up to on a daily basis. Then he read me a poem about a young man and his elf lover. Long poem short, the young man turned into an old man, yet the elf looked exactly the same in the end."
"Yeah, but you're not supposed to fall in love with an elf, you can just pay them! Us elves may stay forever young but we happily share our youth and beauty for a coin!"
"But why do you do that... Why sell yourselves like prostitutes?"
"Because we believe that our beauty given to us by our god L'Amouriel must be equally distributed among the mortals! Like flowers are meant to be enjoyed, like seeds are meant to be grown and turned into bread... Just kidding, we're just lazybums and it's too much effort to master any jobs when you can just do something sexy every day while constantly getting paid for that!"
"I see... Probably not all elves are like that because my elf was quite masterful. He knew how to make a really hot bath!"
"What's his name anyway?"
"Falaerin."
"I know him! And I tell you, this guy does literally nothing you could call masterful," Nate made air quotes, "He's just lucky to have a good spot by the mountain with hotsprings because the princess herself goes there and Falaerin is her jester's best friend. He's only masterful at wiggling his sexy ass in front of a paying client but having so much daily practice every elf gets fluent at that."
"But... why are you telling me all these secrets about elves?"
"Secrets? Everybody knows how the things roll, you're the only one sitting in a high tower."
"I was taken to a warlock school when I was only seven, remember?"
"So?"
"The school is in a whole different dimension! I only returned to this world to see Falaerin again after I myself became immortal. Becoming a lich took a major sacrifice but it was the second sacrifice to leave the demonic dimension, so I could never get back to it. I had to choose between all my demon friends and my love for that elf..."
"Cut the dramatics and let me enlighten you. Just sail to Vulcania, from there through the portal straight to Inferia! They built that portal like a hundred years ago."
"Wait, they did what?"
"The wizard who goes by Lucianus somehow managed to show the demons a way into this world, so they built a portal, a whole city around it and crowned him king! It's actually a problem, now all the incubi and succubi are stealing our jobs! At least they don't like it outside the desert, so at least they're not all over the place... still, the desert elves are very angry. People from all over the world are going to the desert just to try some hot demons these days! Even though desert elves are objectively way hotter!"
"Hmmmm... I'm not objectively sure about that, I was also in love with a hot demon boy by the name of Jahi while studying in Inferia, that's why it was pain to leave but I made up my mind to follow my first love. If I only knew I'd end up with neither of them in the end...
"Anyway, I didn't know there were other archmages in this world. I've never heard of this Lucianus of yours."
"Yeah, because you're sitting in your high tower, waiting for people to come to YOU! And you're probably not treating them well enough to tell you all the news about the world, since you don't even know the names of our rulers."
"Why should I care about the names of some rulers? Apparently none of them is powerful enough to confront me anyway."
"Yes, that's because Yunia is kind of united, you know? Everybody sees you as an ally and an awkward neighbor. But man, how did you even make these piles of gold without ever getting out of this swamp?"
"I'm just lucky, I guess. Sometimes I get a nice slave but suddenly they turn out to be important for the outside world, so the outsiders leave golden offerings and my zombies carry them to Skinnirim. Then I start feeling guilty that people are being so kind and bother with all the offerings, so I free the slave."
"I'm afraid YOU are the only true slave here, Sir Lichard... Oh hey, Tina's back!"
"Hey guys! Damn, I was expecting something hotter but you're just chatting?"
"Did you bring them?"
"Yeah, Nate, don't worry, here's your Double Melon Potion. And umm, here's your Honeypot Potion. Enjoy!"
"Thanks, Tina, you're the best!"
"I'll tell you a secret, Nate. We're in the swamps! It's the place where they brew these potions in the first place! The witches here sell some potions I haven't even heard of. But I can't say it's safe outside, I got totally screwed by a giant mushroom on the way back!"
"Hehe... Is it still there?"
"There's a plenty of them them, Nate! Also who are all those people with dark skin and no bones??"
"They're my zombies. The people from the Benduti tribe infected by zombie spores. They serve pretty well if we exclude midnights when they have their crazy hours..."
"Tina, you shouldn't have come alone!"
"What? I told you I'm brave enough to take care of myself! Those zombies didn't even look hostile, they were only crazy to contort each other's bodies but they completely ignored me. I stood there for a while just to watch a group of zombies capturing a zombie kid and they began contorting him with such passion I had to pinch myself real hard because I thought I was getting hypnotized or something! In all honestly I wouldn't mind staying around this swamp for a week. Why don't you open it to tourists, Sir Lichard? You could make some good gold on the tourist business! Even let people volunteer as your slaves because I know a bunch of people who would love to!"
"Hmm, for all this time I was trying to get rid of trespassers but I've never considered selling tickets to them..."
"Hey, Sir Lichard! Check this out!"
"W- What? How? Wow... You look like... a girl?"
"Impressive, yes? Tina, can you imagine Sir Lichard here does know nothing about elves and what we can do with our bodies!"
"Really? Wow! If I knew it, I'd also get the Carrot Potion but honestly, I don't look that great with a dick."
"So, is that the Melon Potion and the Honeypot Potion that have this effect?? The witches have been selling it right here in Skinnirim, but I had no idea!"
"No, it only works on elves, I'm afraid. Like you know, The Baguette only works on barbarians, buffing their muscles, but if I had a single bite of it, I wouldn't be able to bend in half backwards for twenty days!"
"The...Baguette?"
"Oh yeah, they don't bake it here, they only bake it in Al-Hedsit. Anyway, all that talk about being too stiff to bend in half backwards made my back itching for a good stretch... You guys mind a little show off from this cute naked lady?"
"Nate, you flexoholic!"
"What can I do, my parents got me addicted! I grew up with my back folded! I've been to many therapists, trying to find a cure from this terrible obsession but..."
"Oh, just shut up and bend!"