🥂 An Order of the Belted

It's a well-known secret, whispered through the halls of time. Constricting belts or corsets, once worn, bestow upon you an eternal youth.

Thaddeus, with wisdom beyond his years, discovered this truth early on. From a young age, he bound himself in tight laces, and now he can't enter a respectable tavern without a document proving his age! Even in the prime of his twenties, he still appears to be no more than seventeen and a half, leaving bartenders raise an eyebrow at the sight of him.

"I'm afraid you need to step on out of here, son," Thaddeus keeps hearing wherever he goes. "Go cross the street and get yerself some milk!"

"Hey mate, just because I ain't got a beer belly don't mean I ain't worthy of a pint!" Thaddeus would protest, handing over his papers for the hundredth time. "You should get yourself updated on the wonders of tight belting, old salt!"

"Say what? Ye, 27? I'd have thought ye younger than me firstborn!" the bartender kept eyeing him suspiciously.

"Ah, come on now! I got the papers right 'ere!" Thaddeus sighed for a millionth time in his life.

"Is that so? Forged at the same ol' smithy as that waist choker of yours?" the bartender chuckled, shaking his head.

"What!" Thaddeus protested, "You can't be accusing me of forgery now, can ya? I'll go get the guards and have YOU tossed outta this here tavern!"

"Whatever, kid," the bartender shrugged, "Can't serve a minor here. Best of luck with 'em guards, would be a shame to see a fine lad like yerself thrown into the dungeons for a prank like that. Ye know they have big ass rats with a taste for 'ard cheese and young flesh, right?"

"Right, then, I'll be on me way. But not afore I sing ye a song!" Thaddeus retorted, pulling a lute off the wall and strumming a few chords.

The bartender squinted at him. "Now, hold on here, ye be tellin' me ye can truly play this thing?"

"I assure ye, good sir," Thaddeus grinned, "In me 27 years of life, I've been trained in the artistry of the lute, the lyre, the flute, the flyre... and even the frilluette!"

He started playing a lively tune, the bartender giving him a surprised glance.

"Hey there, old mate,
Won't ye hear me song,
Of the tight belt that keeps me forever young.
'Tis a real thing, I swear it ain't no joke,
That hourglass waist holds time on the clock.

The years may wane,
But they won't take me down,
So long as I'm bound in this leather 'round.
The tighter the strap, the younger I stay,
A marvel to see, a sight o' the day!

Ho there, good sir,
Don't ye be a prude,
Let me sing ye a song of the tight belt dude!
I be twenty 'n seven but my waist's only twelve,
And that's all due to the magic tight belt!

I've got papers, I swear,
To prove it's no jest,
I'm of age for a pint, and I've coin to invest!
So take a sip with me, and let's raise our glass,
And then maybe, just maybe, ye'll get to see my... ahem..."

The bartender blinked a few times, then burst out laughing. "By all that be holy, me eyes see a baby, but me ears hear a man!"

Thaddeus beamed with pride. "Told ye, I did – when ye wear that tight belt, it keeps yer age on the leash!"

"Alright, alright. Ye have a good pint. Me finest brew, on the house," the bartender chuckled, filling a mug to the brim. "Just don't let yer mum come after me tomorrow, else next time I'll serve ye a cup of tar instead!"

"Friend, I promise ye this is the same talk I've had with every barkeep in all the kingdoms," Thaddeus grinned, raising his mug. "To yer health!"

The bartender peered at him and said, "I reckon ye be a true believer in the power o' that belt o' yours, aren't ye?"

"Verily, good sir!" Thaddeus declared. "In truth, I've just composed another verse," he offered, picking up the tune again.

"Me waist be small,
Me tale be true,
But I swear, I'm not too young for me brew.
So don't ye dare refuse me a mug,
I'm old enough to suck a... hmm... err, nevermind that bit!"

"A lollipop?" the bartender proposed.

"Eh!" Thaddeus flushed, "Do I look like a wee nipper to ye?"

The bartender shook his head, laughing. "Nay, ye look like a man who's been puttin' off growin' for far too long!"

"Oh, I did start when I was a wee nipper," Thaddeus admitted, "Can ye imagine I was as plump as a buttery dumpling back then? Now look at me!"

"Now ye look like a string o' hot cheese," the bartender nodded.

"Thank ye kindly," Thaddeus grinned.

The bartender chuckled and filled his mug.

"Now, if ye don't mind, I'll have me pint!"