🦔 Angel of Constriction

And God saw that the world was filled to overflowing with sinners, each one vying for attention and glory in their own petty way. And he looked down upon the earth with a heavy heart, and he knew that there was not enough room in Heaven for them all. For Heaven, the realm of the divine and eternal, was growing cramped with the infinite souls clamoring for a place at his side.

And God called upon his angels, the celestial messengers of his will and wisdom. And he summoned Yashiel, a noble and proud angel who had served him faithfully for countless aeons.

"Yashiel," God said, "I have decreed that you and your brethren must shrink yourselves by the factor of two. For I require more space in my Heaven, and the souls of the world are legion."

And Yashiel protested, "Lord, we are already so small. You have already taken away our glorious phalluses and given us these wings of light instead of the feathered ones we once possessed. What more can be taken from us?"

And God answered, "Yashiel, my son, the humans are a fecund and wretched breed. They multiply like rabbits in a field, and they bring forth more souls to clutter my Heaven than there is space for them all."

"But Lord," Yashiel said, "I thought you had given men bodies of such beauty that they might love one another instead of coupling with women and breeding more sinners for the world?"

And God replied, "Yashiel, I have done so. And yet they still cling to their sinful ways, reproducing like beasts and filling the earth with their progeny. Even with all the blessings and gifts I have bestowed upon them, like the technology to possess breasts and the feminine beauty, they still cannot resist the lure of their carnal instincts."

Yashiel shook his head in disbelief. "It is not fair, Lord. You have given them so much, and yet they twist your commandments to their own ends and deny themselves the peace and happiness that could have been theirs."

And God smiled. "Yashiel, I understand your frustration. But I am God, and I will find a way to make more space for all my beloved children. For I have made a pact with Lucifer himself."

"Lord?" Yashiel asked in wonderment. "What kind of pact?"

"I have told him that if he helps me rid the world of 90% of its alpha-male filth, I will call an end to his exile and allow him to return to my side as an equal and a friend. And he has agreed."

"Lord," Yashiel said, "Lucifer is the most trusted of your angels. He was once one of us, and he remains loyal to you still."

And God nodded. "That is why Lucifer is feared by all the sinners and beloved by all the righteous. For he is a force of nature, both terrible and beautiful. And soon, with his help, we shall rid the earth of its wickedness and make room for those who would seek to know me and love me."

Yashiel bowed his head in reverence. "I hope you are right, Lord."

And God smiled. "Never have I been mistaken, for in my eyes I am the epitome of greatness. My wisdom is unparalleled, and it is always through my perspective that the truth unveils itself, even to the most deluded of souls. And so, let us proceed with this grand endeavor and bring about a new era of righteousness upon the earth."