Squishy Pants 🩳
404 Spine Not Found
The backbone you're looking for does not exist or is under contortion...
April 4 should be officially the spine not found day, haha! Anyway, sorry, back to the story 😅
Albendo is too good for his own home town, so he goes travelling around the world to find places and people that can still teach him something new, until he runs into one crazy good rival who challenges him to do the impossible...Est. Reading Time ~ 8-10 minutes 🧐
Albendo had an unbelievably soft body and loved to show off so much that the townsfolk called him Squishie and none of the locals wanted to place any more bets on his tricks. Sometimes people would pay him for being cute and bendy, but he could no longer fool anyone into betting some real coin.
Squishie realized he was on the way to becoming a beggar when he finally grew out of his pants and could barely afford new ones. It didn't help that all his skills and things he could do were already well known to everyone.
It seems every day, more and more, everything pushed him out of his own home town, so eventually he decided to become a travelling contortionist.
Once he stepped out of his home town, he wondered why didn't he think of it earlier! In the next town he visited, he already met a couple of adorable bendy twins who loved him and taught him a few completely new tricks. They helped him to stretch until he got really good at it but then he realized he should continue his journey as he didn't want to steal their own business.
He went on, from town to town, until he ended up in the next kingdom. Everyone was exceptionally nice to him, even bandits on the road after they discovered he had nothing on him, invited him to their camp and kept providing him with shelter and food for several weeks.
The bandits would sometimes ask him to show his skills by campfire, and they even would constantly help him to improve his skills. Probably for the first time in his life he got the taste of some serious training and that was very cool.
Then they would also ask him to show off at the marketplace and sometimes they took him to bend for very wealthy people. It was all very nice but Albendo felt like he's abusing their kindness, so when the time was right he moved on. He knew the bandits were too kind and would ask him to stay like they did many times before, so this time he chose the right moment when they were sleeping.
Soon he crossed the border of yet another kingdom and went straight for the building that looked like an inn because he was really, really hungry. The place was very big and smelled of wood, food and good mood.
Most of the people here were topless. The place was indeed really warm and Albendo pulled off his big sweater as he didn't want to look disrespectful to the local fashion.
He went straight to the innkeeper, a big guy who looked very kind and definitely wouldn't mind pointing at some keg where Squishie could perform in exchange for a couple of sausages and a mug of mead.
Albendo really enjoyed the fact he could afford almost anything even at the times when he didn't have a single coin on him. Just a few sweet words and a couple of tricks would always get him some food and sometimes even a soft bed for the night!
But this time he couldn't help the feeling his pockets were going to get heavy this evening. So heavy they would pull his pants down, he thought and giggled to himself.
And soon he got to know why he had this feeling, when some boy dressed like an assassin approached him and introduced himself as Kagemaru.
Since the beginning Kagemaru was incredibly generous, but as the pile of coins on the innkeeper's table was growing, Albendo was made to sweat more and more.
He showed what he was made of and everything he learned on his travels. But he saw Kagemaru grinning as if he wasn't very impressed by any of these bends. That was new because usually people asked Albendo to stop whenever he started having too much fun...
Something about this place was quite different, people didn't seem too impressed with even some difficult bends, so Squishie decided to pull his best trump cards out of his sleeve.
First he showed something he learned from a gypsy in Beltimore, he sat upon the keg's lid and walked his hands along the edge until he turned around to look straight behind himself, but didn't stop there and walked his hands further until he twisted even more to look in front of himself again!
Finally some interest in Kagemaru's eyes! He then called for two strong guys and asked them to stretch his legs into an oversplit. He learned this from the twin contortionists in Armbury and it took several weeks to master, mostly by doing it between two wardrobes that were gradually pushed closer and closer whenever he got used to it.
He told the men to keep pushing until both legs touched the front and back of his head at the same time. He could attempt to get his knees all the way to his torso but didn't want to risk tearing his old pants.
By this time Albendo's skin looked oiled from the sweat but he had one last trump card: bending backwards and walking his hands through his own legs, then raising his head and touching the back of his head to his own crotch!
Albendo's body started giving up already from too much workout on a single day. He wasn't used to doing so many things in one go. But he just couldn't give up something that he already started... He tried to concentrate all his willpower in his spine but his body barely had any energy to keep the balance, his muscles felt so tired, the gap between his head and his crotch suddenly felt like an abyss...
"So can you touch your head to your crotch or not?" Kagemaru was growing impatient, watching Squishie struggling for so long.
"Ugh...'fcourse I can!" Albendo panted and made another attempt to raise his chin, "No need to be s-so impatient, buddy!"
"Impatient? I was ready to pay to see something new... I don't know if this is called contortion back in your country, but here in Tanmen little children fool around doing stuff like this for fun... Myself I could have already touched my head to my crotch, even with a dog's collar on my waist!"
"Haha, what!" Albendo lost his temper. "I'll bet my trousers, no one can bend and touch their head to their crotch with a dog's collar on their waist at the same time!"
"Little have you seen in life..." Kagemaru crossed his arms on his bare chest.
Ouch! Albendo almost felt stabbed with those words, since he was sure he travelled like no one else and he was friends with the best contortionists and trainers in every place he visited...
Kagemaru only hmpf'ed... "But I'm not going to just show off without a proper interest. I'm not interested in your trousers but... It would feel good to teach you a lesson about the greatness of Tanmen. How about, I'll show it to you if you.... umm, swear that you'll never wear any pants or underwear to the rest of your life! Now that'd be funny!"
"What! What kind of a villain are you!" Nobody had ever asked Albendo to part with his pants for life! Bandits did but it was always short-term.
"Oh, the price is too high, I see," Kagemaru shrugged and began standing off his bar stool. "Well then, I'll take my leave. I have better things to do with my spine... er, I mean with my time."
"Wait! Ugh... it's not... it's not too high, just unfair. See, even if you do show it, it's only once but I'll have to pay for the show to the rest of my life! How fair is that?"
"Hmmm... Yeah, on a second thought, that's kinda unfair. Alright, you convinced me. Then how about... if you ever learn to do it yourself, you'll show it to me and then your curse will be lifted, so you can wear your pants again."
"Hmm, now that sounds interesting. I'm in. If you can prove that you can do it, then I'm sure I'll learn to do it eventually!"
"Then step aside and observe how it's done! You can already start taking your pants off, by the way."
"No thanks, I'd like to keep them for a few more minutes."
"Whatever," Kagemaru jumped off his bar stool, reached for his ankle and took off a dog's collar he had around it. "Now get off that keg and observe!"
Tell me if my tales are too long but I tried to read and cut some parts that could be dropped, I accidentally made it twice longer... 😂